Confessions of a New Mum - Part Five - Losing My Confidence | Motherhood

There have been quite a few days lately where I've been questioning whether or not I'm really cut out for this job of 'Mum'.

I'm generally a fairly confident person. And even when I am not feeling confident in myself or my abilities I generally try to at least project that I am confident because I know from experience that you really can fake it till you make, so to speak. When other people see me having confidence in myself they tend to then have confidence in me, which then in turn boosts my confidence in myself. If that makes sense.

So it's hard to admit that I really don't know what the hell I am doing when it comes to being a Mum. To admit that
I find it hard.

I am always the last to admit that I don't know something, I HATE to admit that I don't know it all. So it's even harder to admit, not just that I don't know what I'm doing, but that I don't actually have confidence in my ability to be a Mum

I love her so much but the sooking is hard to take by the end of
a week of Dave being on arvo shift and doing it alone.
I salute the single Mum's out there, I don't know how they do it.

My own mother, Dave, anyone that knows me slightly well, will testify to the fact that I am not a very patient person. I never have been. I get annoyed easily and I have a temper. It's something that I have tried to work on over the years with varying degrees of success.

Since becoming a Mum my patience and temper have been tried in ways I never thought possible, and to be completely honest with you, I have failed miserably. There have been times when I have gotten so frustrated and angry with Punky when trying to get her to go to sleep that I have had to walk out of the room, lest I scream in her face. Some days it is just so hard to keep a rational and calm mind when she's been crying and sooking for hours and she just won't stop and she just won't go to sleep and I am oh so tired. It's mostly when Dave is on afternoon shift at work (like right now) and I am on my own every afternoon and evening for the week, usually for a few weeks to a month at a time (he is home on the weekends) with no-one to tag team with me, no-one to take the baton after 15 minutes so I can have a breather and calm myself for the next round.

The other day I was so angry and frustrated that I walked out of her room, slammed the door behind me and went and threw a shoe at the wall. Throwing shoes is not something new. I tend to throw them when I am angry. At walls, lounges. Occasionally they miss and go through windows (it happened one time and I swear to God I was not trying to throw them at the window, I was honest to God aiming for the lounge!).

It took me about 5 minutes of severe talking to myself to calm down and get a straight enough head to be able to go in there and talk to her kindly and lovingly. And afterwards, once she has finally gone to sleep, all I feel like doing is crying. Because I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I am so very angry at myself for not being able to stay calm, for not having the patience that I so sorely and desperately need and want.

The thing that scares me though, is not that I will harm her, because I know when I am getting frustrated and am able to walk out of the room or remove myself so that I can calm down. No, the thing that scares me is that she will resent me for getting angry at her. That my temper, and having to walk out of a room and leave her crying for minutes on end, will in some way effect her emotionally and one day she will grow to resent me and not know how much I really do love her.

I know in my head that at this age she isn't going to remember much, but it's hard to tell that to my heart. And what about as she gets older? I am working on the patience and temper but it is a long, slow process and I know there is definitely going to be many times down the track when she will try my patience and temper worse than she does now. I am honestly scared about how hard it is going to be as she gets older and tests the boundaries and tries to assert herself. If she is anything like I was growing up I am in for a hell of a time!

I feel as though I really am not cut out for this motherhood gig sometimes, that Mothers should be patient and calm and slow to anger. I'm not any of those things and I am so scared that my impatience and anger are going to let us both down in the long run. 


Previous Confessions...
Confessions of a New Mum Part One - Learning Curves and 'Un'Enjoyment
Confessions of a New Mum Part Two - Stitched Up
Confessions of a New Mum Part Three - The Part-time SAHM
Confessions of a New Mum Part Four - Mum Appreciation
Confessions of a New Mum Part Five - Losing My Confidence
Confessions of a New Mum - Kelly from Handmade Tears and Triumphs (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Life with a seriously ill baby (Guest Post)
Confessions of a New Mum - Sleep Deprivation does crazy things to the mind (Guest Post)

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