On Death & Dying

2001. Driving.
Throat constricting. Eyes watering. Tears welling.
Heart Breaking.
Grandma.
Cancer. Death.


2008. Phone ringing.
Words spoken. Throat constricting. Eyes watering. Tears Welling.
Heart Breaking.
Friend.
Sudden Death.


2009. Driving.
Throat constricting. Eyes watering. Tears welling.
Heart Breaking.
Grandpa.
Alzheimer's. Death.


2013. Sitting in a hospital room.
Words spoken. Jokes told. Love shared. Bad news all-round.
Heart Breaking.
Aunty.
Uncle.
Cancer. Dying.

Last night I saw my Aunty, my Mum's sister, for what is highly likely to be the last time. She's dying of pancreatic cancer. That fucking heinous disease, cancer, is taking yet another good, loved soul from this earth. Driving to the hospital last night I struggled to keep my emotions in check. Not just emotions about my Aunty. But long-held emotions for my Grandmother. My Grandfather. Emotions that despite the years can still well up and be just as strong as the day I first felt them, on the days that they died.

I can still remember the last time I saw Grandma. The last time I saw Grandpa. Those images of them in their hospital beds will be forever burned in to my mind. And now I am going to have another matching image to add to the collection.

The second last time I saw my Grandpa

Also visiting my Aunty last night was my Uncle, my Mum's brother. He's been fighting that fucking heinous disease, cancer, for the last 7 years. And last night he told us that he won't have to fight it much longer. He's now developed full-blown leukaemia and its just a matter of time. 6 months they say.

In 2008 a good friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident. I hadn't seen her in a while, in fact only a few days before-hand I had sent her a message on facebook saying that I missed her and I hoped we could catch up again soon. I have no idea if she ever read that message. I pray that she did, I hope she knows that I was thinking about her.

I can't decide which is worse. Sudden death or long, drawn-out death. A long, drawn-out death brings with it pain and deterioration. It's a terrible burden to bear, not only for the person suffering, but for their family as well. But there is at least the chance to say goodbye. The chance to make sure that they know you love them. Will think of them often. Will miss them greatly.

Grandma & Grandpa

With sudden death there is not usually pain for the dead. But there is more pain for those left behind. There's no time to prepare yourself for the loss (not that I think you can ever truly be prepared for the loss of someone you love), no time to say good bye, to make sure they knew that you loved them. Will think of them often. Will miss them greatly.

My heart is breaking for my Aunty's husband, for my Uncle's wife, for their children and grand-children. For my Mum and my other Aunty, who look to now lose both their sister and their brother in one year. Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, gone in the space of 12 years. My Mum said to me last night as we left the hospital "This isn't meant to happen. It's not meant to be like this." I couldn't imagine my life without my Mum & Dad and my brother and sisters and that is exactly what she is facing.

My Mum & Aunties & Uncle

When my Uncle told us his news there was a silence and then Mum said "Well. What do you say to that?". I said "It sucks. Hard.". My Uncle sighed and said that, while yeah it sucked, he was so thankful that he'd had so much time. He was first diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. He was told a year ago that it would only be a matter of weeks before things progressed to full-blown leukaemia. Only it didn't. The cancer went on hold. For a year. Another year of life that he didn't think he would have. So in a way he is thankful.

We spoke about many things in the hospital last night but the words that stick in my mind the most are the words about being ready. That in the end, death can happen at any moment. To hold your family and friends close. Make the most of each and every day, hour, minute, second. Life is precious. And we need to be thankful for all of the time we get, no matter how long, or how short.

Thankful for these people

Today I'm thankful that I have been blessed with such a wonderful family, blessed with amazing friends. I'm thankful that I have the time, right now, to appreciate the things I have in my life, the people I love, those I hold dear. I'm thankful that despite the pain the people I love have gone through, are going through, they know that they are loved and they have family and friends who care a great deal for them, who will be by their sides right up until that end.

Don't take what you have for granted. Don't take your life for granted. Though there may be shit days, be thankful that you even get those days. Hold your loved ones close and tell them how much you care. How much you love them. That you think of them often. And miss them greatly when they're not there.

Linking this post up with Six by the Bay for Thankful Thursday.