From Great Highs to Deep Lows

I spent half an hour crying in the bathroom yesterday. Punky woke up from her nap and she would not stop crying. I have no idea what was wrong with her, but she didn't stop for over an hour. And then I lost it myself.

Thank God for the episodes of Peppa Pig I downloaded to the iPad. I plonked her on her lounge with a biscuit and told her to start watching, and then I went and sat on the toilet and cried my eyes out. It was everything and nothing all at once. And the more I cried and the more I thought about how I just wasn't coping the more upset I got. If I couldn't cope with the whinging of one toddler how was I going to cope with a whinging toddler and a crying newborn by myself? How could I feel such anger towards the child that I love that I just wished I could drop her at my Mum's and run away from her?

How could I be struggling so bad when there are people who have it much worse than I do, more than one child, children with illness, behavioural issues, how easy they must think I have it, how easy I do have it, and yet here I am, sitting in the bathroom crying my eyes out.

Friday was a great day. It was my birthday. It was also my first day of maternity leave. I dropped Punky at daycare and I went and had a long leisurely buffet breakfast with a friend of mine. Then I went shopping. I got my new bag and treated myself to a new pair of sunnies. My family came over in the evening and we went out for a really nice dinner. Dave gave me the sweetest card. It was such a good day and I felt on top of the world.

And then 1am came and Punky woke up. And wouldn't stop crying and whinging and sooking until almost 5am. I have no idea what was wrong with her. Food didn't help. Drinking didn't help. Nappy change, more covers, nurofen, none of it made a difference, she just wouldn't go back to sleep and just keep grizzling, the kind with no tears that just grates on your nerves. In the end I sent Dave back to bed with ear plugs, I tried one last time to get her to go to sleep and I ended up just getting in to bed and lying there, listening to her grizzle until she eventually fell back asleep. I think I managed about 3 hours of sleep myself.

So Saturday was a bit of an horrendous day, Punky was in a bad mood, I was in a bad mood. But my MIL bought someone over to measure up the bathroom to give us a quote for renovations and she looked after Punky for me for 20mins, long enough for me to talk to the bathroom guy and have something to eat. She changed her nappy and got her down for a nap. And then I went and had a nap. We both slept for almost 3 hours and when Punky woke up she was the happy, bubbly girl I am used to.

Sunday was a great day. We had our first meeting with J, who will be our Doula and help us through the labour and delivery of PJ#2. J is also my acupuncturist so I've known her for a couple of years and it was lovely to sit and chat about all things birth and my expectations for this one. Things I would like to do differently from Punky's, from different ways to cope with the pain, to the positions I'd like to try for giving birth. The meeting was so positive and I've come away feeling really excited and more relaxed about going through labour and delivery again. And Punky was an absolute angel, all day.

Yesterday Punky and I visited a friend and her daughter and new baby son. It was lovely to get some newborn cuddles, to introduce Punky to a baby, to watch the girls paying together and to just generally catch up. Seeing Punky be so sweet when it was time to say goodbye and offer to give everyone a kiss, she's such a sweet girl.

And then we went home. She napped. She woke up. She cried. I hid in the bathroom. I cried. The mood swings with this pregnancy have been so much greater. High highs and low, low lows. I don't think I'm suffering from pre-natal depression, but I have to watch myself. I can still pull myself together and find my way out of the black mood when it starts to set it. But I must admit, I worry about after PJ#2 is here. I worry that I might not cope and handle things as well as I did after Punky. That having two children will make it harder to identify when I'm on that spiral down and that it will be so much harder to pull myself up when I need too.

All I know is this... That I am trying so hard to make the most of and enjoy these last few weeks with Punky as my only child. I want to soak up her goodness, her sweetness, her cuteness. Give her as much time as I possibly can. Make sure she feels how much I really do love her, despite the fact that I may not be handling her or dealing with her as well I should be.

I know I need to give myself a break, that while I may not have it as tough as others, in my world, at the moment, things aren't perfect. I have, am struggling to cope. My patience is pretty much none existent. My mind is overwhelmed with everything that still needs to be done and its almost paralysing. The more I think about it the harder it is to get anything done. I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know how anyone can help, and I don't want to burden others with having to come to the house to do all the things that I can't because everyone else has so much going on too.

But I know I will get there in the end. That these feelings will pass. That I will figure out a way to get everything done, to make everything work, to cope with two children and to pull myself up. Because there is no other option, failing is not an option and I know, somewhere inside me, is the strength to figure all this shit out.

I just need to have a good cry and feel sorry for myself first.

Edited to add that I read this post by Kevin at the Illiterate Infant and its certainly helped to remind me of a few things and give me a bit of perspective. Thanks Kev, love your work! xxx
Linking up as always this Tuesday for IBOT with Essentially Jess
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

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