The 5 Stages of Mopping

Disclaimer: So yesterday I had to do one of my most hated household chores. And in trying to avoid it I was procrastinating on facebook and writing posts in my head. Hopped up on too much coffee I started writing a ridiculous, totally tongue-in-cheek post about this chore. By some miracle I actually remembered most of what I'd mentally written. So here it is. Enjoy!

Yep, that must be the reason!

When it comes to household chores there is one that reigns supreme in terms of my loathing and hatred of it. Let's be honest here, I hate all household chores. I avoid them like the plague, until there is a chance we all may catch the actual plague because of my prolonged chore avoidance. But when it comes to mopping? There is nothing, NOTHING I wouldn't do to avoid mopping.

I hate it with a passion so fierce that it's energy would burn up the sun. If I could buy a giant roll of plastic and have my floors covered with a drop sheet daily, I would do it. If only that wouldn't take as much effort as the actual mopping.

When Dave and I were the only inhabitants of this house I could get away with mopping less frequently. We knew how to eat without dropping food on the floor (most of the time), and we were capable of picking up, wiping or cleaning any mess that we did make on the floor as soon as it occurred (most of the time). We could also be relied upon to not pick up shit from the floor and put it in our bloody mouths! (Most of the time.)

However since tiny terrorists entered this house, and insist on dropping, spilling and weeing all over my floors, the need for mopping has increased. And so has my blood pressure I'm sure. It wouldn't be so bad if said tiny terrorists didn't insist on leaving their toys on the filthy floors, and then picking up those toys and depositing them straight in to their mouths. Or worse, picking up pieces of previously dropped food, that has escaped my attention with the broom or vacuum earlier, and then commence eating the manky food.

Getting ready to mop, against my better judgement. After this shot was taken I made myself a strong coffee and procrastinated a little more on facebook. That is of course what facebook is for!

I generally judge the dire-ness of floor cleanliness by the colour on the bottom of Punky's feet come bath time. Anything darker than light grey and I start to feel a sick churning in my stomach. I know what's coming. I know what has to be done. But that doesn't mean I have to surrender to it like Hot Pie surrenders to a lion (obscure Game of Thrones reference there folks.)

I spent the day sweeping, shifting furniture, drinking coffee and generally doing anything else I could to avoid the task at hand. It's the only time I actually want the baby to wake up early! I finally gave in around 1pm and accepted that I had to get the mopping done. So I did. But it occurred to me while doing the mopping, that the lead-up to this most hated of household chores follows 5 stages. I'm sure I've heard of these 5 stages before but I can't be sure. And without further ado, I now present to you... drum roll please...

Kylie's 5 Stages of Mopping

Stage 1 - Denial

You sweep the floors and generally do a half-job and convince yourself that it is totally sufficient, there is no need to mop, you've cleaned up the dropped food and spot-cleaned the spills, surely that's clean enough, right. Right? But then it's evening, and the first cockroach emerges. Which leads to...

Stage 2 - Anger

F*%K You, F*%king cockroaches, F*%K YOU! Damn you stupid floors, why do you have to be so dirty! Damn you stupid science people, why have you not invented self-cleaning floors yet, WHY! If we can have self-cleaning ovens, surely we can have self-cleaning floors! What is this, the dark ages? It's not faaaaaiiiirrrrr!!!

Mopping the floor took so much strength and will power that there was none left at the end of the day to clan this mess. Oh well. Maybe I can convince Dave to do it?!

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Please God/Cleaning Fairy/ Insert Deity and/or Magical beings name here, please clean my floors for me overnight while I sleep. I promise, if you do that, I will never let them get so filthy again.
Pleeeease Dave, can you please do it just this once, I promise I won't let them get so bad again, just do them for me this one time. I'll make it worth your while, wink wink, nudge nudge ;-)

Stage 4 - Depression

FML**! It's so unfair, all this cleaning. It's never going to end, I'm going to be mopping floors for the rest of my life at this rate. I might as well not even bother ever making plans to do anything ever again. This is the worst day ever. I bet everyone else has the cleanest floors and a husband that does the mopping for them.

Stage 5 - Acceptance

*sigh* *Sigh* *SIGH*. I suppose I better do it. Let's get this over and done with. If I get it done now then at least it's done and I don't have to do it for at least another week, right. Right? *sigh*. Better make a big, strong coffee, don't think I can get through it without one. And I'll just have a quick look on the net, make sure nothing interesting is happening. Facebook. Email. Twitter. Check. Check. Check.
*Siiiiiggggggghhhhhhh*
Ok, let's do this.

My clean(er) floor. This cockroach was so shocked and disappointed he just keeled over and died on the spot
(Ok, I may have used a little bug spray on him. If Dave asks, it was less than half the can!)

Sound familiar? What's your most hated household chore?

And because I love to procrastinate I'm linking this post up Jess for IBOT.

**Honestly I have no idea if FML stands for Fuck My Life but it does here. I assume it does coz that's what all the kids use on facebook when something crappy is going on. I am so up with all the internets lingo, yo!

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