If I die tomorrow...

I was looking in my desk for a notebook on Tuesday night. I have so many, I've been obsessed with stationery for a very long time (why oh why were there no stationery stores around when I was a teenager?!) and I knew that I would most likely have an unused one somewhere.

I found a nice purple one that looked fresh. One I got from work when we had excess samples. I pulled it out and grabbed a pen, thinking to utilise it for making notes on some of the design stuff I've been doing for my own blog and others.

When I opened it to the first page I discovered that it had in fact been used. What I found written on the first two pages surprised me. I'd completely forgotten writing those words. But as I read them, all of the thoughts and emotions I'd felt at the time came rushing back to me.



I found that notebook not long after I read the news of Peaches Geldoff's death. I don't know a lot about her and haven't followed her life or career. But what I do know is that she left behind two very small boys. My heart breaks for those boys, when I think about them growing up without their mother.

Life is such an unpredictable thing. It's easy to take it for granted, even though we know it can be taken from us in a second. Hearing the sad news of her passing, and of the shock death of another blogger's husband on the weekend, it reminded me once again of how precious this life really is.

What I found when I opened that notebook was a letter I'd written to Zee, exactly one week before she was born. At the time I was really struggling with the prospect of being induced and just feeling so desperate to meet this baby I'd carried around for 40 weeks to the day. I remember writing a similar letter to Punky, 3 days before she was born.

Punky's letter carries with it the expectation of motherhood. I talk a lot about how much I can't wait to meet her, the hopes and dreams I have for her, my hopes of being the perfect mum. I love that letter, and I know she will one day too. I love it because I can see myself standing on the precipice of motherhood, about to step off in to the unknown, having no idea what I was really getting myself in to.

The letter I've written to Zee carries with it the experience of motherhood....

"Before your sister was born I was so incredibly nervous. I had no idea what to expect and I worried so much about being the perfect mother."

What I didn't know before Punky was born was just how hard some aspects of motherhood would be. I also couldn't fully comprehend the joy and pure, unfettered love I would feel towards my child. It changed me, in a way no other event in my life has or could.

But when I wrote that letter to Zee I was more realistic about what to expect...

"I know I can't be the perfect mum. But I hope that no matter what, you will love me as much as I love you.  Know that even when it didn't seem like it, I tried my very best to be the mum that you need."

That sums up my journey of motherhood so far. If there is one thing I want my girls to know, especially as they get older, it's that.

Everything I do for them, I do with love. All I can do is promise I'll try my best for them. That I do try my best for them. And that I loved them. Before they were born I loved them.

And when I'm gone, I'll love them still.

If I die tomorrow, that's what I want my girls to know.

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