Terrible-Twos and Rise of the Threenager // Motherhood
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| My sweet Punky at 4 months old |
I am finding it increasingly hard to stay calm and not lose my temper with the current behaviour that is being displayed. And the worst part about it, is that I can see my own inability to control myself being mirrored back to me in my toddler. I see the way she struggles to control her temper with her little sister.
Don't get me wrong, not every day is bad. We have some pretty awesome days, and some just good days. But the bad days? The bad days are really bad.
Sleeping has not been good either. It's either night terrors or simply just not wanting to go to sleep. It starts from the minute she goes to bed and doesn't end until morning the next day. She refuses to sleep during the day anymore, unless it's a Friday and she is exhausted after her weekly swimming lesson.
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| Punky at 16 months |
Every night she is allowed time to sit in bed and read her books or draw on her magnet board for a bit before the lights go out. And every night once the light has been turned off the shenanigans begin. The constant getting out of bed. The excuses as to why she is out of bed. She needs a drink of water. She needs this toy or that. And even when she stays in bed there's the calling out every 5 minutes. "I need my covers on properly" she says as she lies there with her legs straight up in the air. And the one that's guaranteed to make me feel guilty, that always comes right after I've lost my shit, the tearful little voice saying "I need a hug."
I've come to dread the hour, sometimes longer, it takes for her to finally succumb to sleep and stop playing silly buggers. I dread this, and then go on to dread the mornings. From the moment she opens her eyes, it's a lottery as to what kind of mood she'll be in. Will she let me change her nappy or will she have a complete meltdown at the mere suggestion of it?
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| At 2, earlier in the year |
I try to make sure that I am sitting down with her often through the day, just playing and hanging out and being with her. I also try to make sure she has times of independent play, because I believe that it's important for kids to be able to entertain themselves sometimes too. I scour Pinterest for new ideas and easy toddler crafts that she can do, because she is a creative soul and she loves colouring, painting, sticking and cutting. However even this can be a cause for friction when she can't do something herself, but won't allow me to assist, or when she starts throwing all of the craft supplies around in a dangerous manner, sending injury-causing missiles flying through the air.
I try to get us out of the house, even if it's just to go for a wander down the street and buy some milk. Or further afield to the park, the shopping centre, basically anywhere that is out of the house. We have fun. We hang out. We have a good time and we all enjoy each others company. The minute we walk back in the door though, its like the outing never happened, and battle-stations are resumed once more.
I try to talk to her and ask her questions about why she is upset or angry or frustrated. She either doesn't look at me or just keeps repeating the same thing over and over "I is sad Mummy", or looks at me with confusion. I'm pretty sure sometimes she doesn't even know herself why she feels the way she does.
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| The most beautiful almost-3-year-old I know |
Every single day I worry that I am ruining her. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing by her. I worry and wonder if her behaviour is normal, is this the way every child her age acts and behaves or is it something more? Every day I wake up and vow to do a better job, I vow to stay calm, I vow to not let my temper get the better of me.
Every day I feel like I've failed. I am not the parent I wanted or hoped I would be. Every day I try my best and let's face it, that's all I can do. But at the same time, I also wonder and worry that I'm actually not doing my best, that maybe there is something more I should be doing. I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but it's hard, when it's been a tough day, to not lie in bed and wonder what I could have done to make things better. Wonder what I could have done to be a better Mum. I lie there and feel guilty for the way I've reacted to her beahviour. I vow to be more zen tomorrow. If I could just be a better, more calm and relaxed Mum, yell less and love more, then maybe she wouldn't have so many meltdowns and tantrums. Maybe she wouldn't struggle so badly in trying to deal with her overwhelming emotions. Maybe she would sleep better at night.
I wonder, if I could do better than I currently am, then maybe, just maybe, I won't completely ruin her for life.
Heaven help me when we reach puberty.
How did you cope with the toddler years? Do you think the worry about ruining our children ever goes away? Why did nobody tell me that being a parent, along with being one of the best things I've ever done, would also be one of the most confusing, emotionally draining, and confidence-crushing things I'd ever do?
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Comments
Super Nanny says to not have any conversation with them when they get out of bed, to grab them by the hand and put them back in bed each time with out a word. I did that once when I was a nanny and it worked. Have you tried that? We are still using a cot so I don't know if it will work on my own child.
each day is a selection of choices no one choice will make or break a day or a child.
My boy is about a month younger than your radiant being. Although his behaviour isn't regularly at the level you are talking about here, he also has no younger siblings so the pressure on him to "just comply" is a lot less than with a child with siblings. That said I don't say it if it isn't going to happen(when I ask him to comply I expect it to happen).. I can just pick and choose a bit more when I let an activity slide by rather than try and keep us on a timetable :-) as I have found for me that is a strong nexus for me having a Mummy meltdown.
One statement I learned from a mother of three with a boy about a month younger than mine is when I feel serious resistance calmly announce "You can (insert non negotiable behaviour here) or I will (ensure it happens{i.e. clean your teeth for you)/pick you up to get to the car,pick you up to get to the changetable, put you in the pram, etc}). This has pulled my boy outta the tantrum spiral more times than I can count to this point. It seems that communicating that the end product is non negotiable but how it happens, is to a level, under their control (once they really grasp the concept) really seems to work a bit of magic with the 2-3's. In my case it often means my boy does whatever was needed under his own steam.. in hers more often than not she has to pick her boy up but it happens without the flailing, kicking and screaming that would otherwise occur.
I've also done a lot of work on demonstrating the breath in the clean air, breath out the anger/frustration technique of emotional management. If I'm getting frustrated I'll often have a little voice reminding me to "deep breath" and I do the same for him when he looses it. It took a lot of me being mindful and choosing to be very transparent when I was moving toward loosing it and verbalising the processes as well as actively doing them for it to click for him but it did.
Although craft is great I have found sensory play options can often be more autonomous, and I do it is king here, for my little one. Things like moon sand (outside only this stuff is revolting to clean), mixing food dyed water to explore what blue and yellow makes (raincoat required if it's cold they will get drenched), underbed box, only needed if doing inside, containing a baking dish of of dyed rice with spoons and scoops bowls etc for an extension add and some people, box houses etc. Mud pies, flower soup, food coloured shaving cream on the inside of the bath or bathroom tile wall are all possible calming activities that just might be options if craft just isn't working today.
You're doing great. Please don't take the above as any criticism of how you are already handling things it just sounded like your well might be feeling a bit dry and I though these ideas might spark some inspiration for you.
Best wishes
Belinda
There is no doubt the threenanger business is so much more challenging than the terrible two's. Their manipulation is so much more complex and grueling. It drove me bonkers, especially because the behavior arrived just as I welcomed a new baby. Know that all Mums struggle with this difficult stage. I wanted to lose my shite every single hour. I'm so glad it did pass and he came back to his senses.
I think from memory we knuckled down pretty hard with giving time outs and we tried to administer them with little emotion. In fact the more blank we could be the better. I also used to just walk him back to bed silent and not talk or give him any of his requests at bed time. Eventually because he wasn't getting the attention he got bored and stopped getting up. On bad nights, we'd confiscate favorite toys for the entirety of the next day.
Make sure you are able to let off steam somehow every day whether it be having a glass of wine post bedtime, walk around the block, get on the blower to a girlfriend who will understand, have a hot bath etc etc. Never has it been needed more. Much love xxx
I HEAR you. I have no advice. Those strong-willed kids hey? Personality + seems to equate to utter exhaustion in the parenting department. I don't know what to tell you. I have been exhausting Tom every day by taking big long walks...when we get home I time it so that Jeremy is due to nap and Tom hops onto the couch and watches in the night garden under a red blanket. Then once J is down I cuddle up with Tom and most days now he falls asleep. I feel frayed too when I don't get that little window of time when they are both asleep. I'm not sure how I will survive when their naps don't align. I really don't.
Hugs to you xoxox
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