Mummy Guilt versus Passion | Motherhood
It seems a little indulgent having them in care on one of my days off Tafe, but I know that I am really going to need that day to get study and assignments done, as it will be the only real child-free time I'll have other than evenings. Evenings are great for study and editing, etc, but not so good for when I need to get out on location and take photographs, or for when I'll be needed to do freelance work for the Tafe's freelance department.
Not to mention it will be give me a chance to catch up on the blogosphere in my breaks. As well as a much needed day to get the house in to some sort of order and everything ready for the week of Tafe/care ahead.
Notice how I'm telling you all my excuses? As if I need to tell you them, have you understand them, because I fear you'll judge me or some shit?
The thing is, it's not judgement from others that has me worried. I honestly don't really care what other people think, that's a battle I've been winning for a while now.
No, my problem is what I think.
As we move closer and closer to the new Tafe term, I can feel the blanket of guilt making it's way slowly up my body. It's joined by a lacy veil of excitement and a heavy ball of molten nerves sitting at the bottom of my stomach.
I'm so excited to be starting the Diploma. I'm excited about the things I'll learn. I'm excited about the opportunities to be gained via the course. I'm excited for the possibilities that will be opened up to me in the future.
I'm nervous about the workload. Whether or not I'll be able to handle it and manage my time well enough to not fall behind. Nervous about being organised and having everything ready to leave each night so that the mornings aren't a hectic shit fight.
But most of all I'm nervous about how the girls are going to handle it. How are they going to handle going to a new daycare/preschool 2 days a week? How are they going to handle going to care 3 days in a row each week? How are they going to handle being looked after by someone other than me for 4 days in a row?
Will they be ok? Will they settle in to their new care ok and not be sad or scared? Will they know that if there was any other way to do this, that didn't require me leaving them for so long, that I would do it?
It's funny how Mother Guilt gives you almost the same feeling in your tummy as the butterflies of nerves or excitement do, but runs so much deeper. It's like those butterflies have steel wings, and they penetrate through the depths of your body and infest your mind. They wrap their wings around your chest and create a heaviness.
My rational, adult mind knows that they will be ok and that they will adjust just fine. My rational adult mind knows that there are thousands of families, mothers in particular, that leave their kids every day so that they can work and study. And my rational mind knows that every single one of those parents feels exactly the same way as I do about leaving their children.That if they didn't have to they wouldn't. If they could get their money or qualifications in some other way, they would.
But my mother heart is not a rational one. It beats for my babies. The thought of leaving my babies to the care of someone else 4 days a week makes my mother heart bleed.
To be honest though, I don't think this feeling of guilt for leaving my babies to the care of someone else, of doing things for myself, even if they will benefit from them in the long run, will ever fully go away. Even when they are grown, and going out in to the world, those feelings will still be there, swirling around in the back of my mind.
As they start school, university, head overseas, walk down the aisle, or hold babies of their own, I'm pretty sure those feelings of guilt will still be there. The heaviness I feel? I think it's just the physical manifestation of my love. I don't think Mummy Guilt is all bad, because it comes from a place of such deep love for our babies, that it would almost seem wrong if there weren't at least a few moments in our lives when we feel it's grip around our chests and it's butterfly wings beat in our stomachs.
I guess the thing to do is learn how to control it, learn how to send it to the subconscious. Learn to allow the love to be felt and the guilt to be ignored. Everybody feels fear when facing the unknown. The trick is to not let the fear be the overwhelming feeling and emotion, but to acknowledge it, and then forget it, so we can focus on the excitement.
I think it's the same with Mother Guilt. Acknowledge it, and then, in the words of that most astute philosopher Elsa, let it go.
Easier said than done though, right?!
Do you struggle with Mummy Guilt? How do you deal with it when it comes at you?
Linking up with Jess for IBOT
Find me here:
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Comments
You sound like a great mum to me, who's also being a great role model for her girls, in studying and working towards opportunities in the future. All the best with your study!
The difference for me of course is that my kids are teenagers and I'm lucky enough to be able to schedule all my lectures and tutes during school hours and still do the drop off and pick up. Now that they're all in the same school (Youngest started high school this year) it makes it infinitely easier. But keeping on top of the workload scares me half to death. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. But on the days I berate myself for not starting this crazy-a** journey years ago I remember that this is really the first time where impact on that motherhood thing is relatively minimal and the kids can survive at home without burning anything down, should I need to sequester myself for study while Dad's at work. I have a friend with small children who is lined up to study nursing and her daycare/lecture scenario was a nightmare. So I'm grateful.
And, one would hope, less prone to late night pub crawls and next-day-hangover-lectures. No promises though.
I might do follow your lead and start one portrait a week of the OgreKids :)
MC xo
The guilt is ALWAYS there, no matter what you do. So you try and make the times you are available even better and not give it a foothold to ruin your life. But it's hard. We get it. xxx
Your course sounds amazing, one day I would love to study Psychology. The few Psych classes I took at Uni were fantastic and had me kicking myself that I put it down as my second choice rather than my first!. Good luck with your studies and the workload xx
I think every parent needs at least one child-free day a week or as often as they can for sanity's sake alone! Especially when they are as small as our kids are, they are relentless and exhausting and that time-off is so important for keeping balance and not burning out.
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